10 Relationship Red Flags: What You Should Look for Dating
Curious about the health of your relationship? If you’re noticing signs that things might not be on the right track, here are 10 relationship red flags you should look out for!
When I got into my first “serious” relationship in high school, I WISH I knew what an unhealthy relationship looked like! I only learned about love from books, TV, and movies. Looking back, those might not have been the best examples of healthy boundaries. Like… Edward Cullen stalking Bella Thorne in Twilight is a serious red flag… talk about a toxic relationship LOL.
Reflecting on my own experiences, I realize JUST how important it is to understand the subtle (and maybe not so subtle) signs that a relationship is moving into unhealthy territories. From excessive jealousy to constant criticism, these common red flags easily be overlooked when we don’t know what to watch for.
The first step to having healthier relationships is to be able to identify concerning behaviors early – before they deepen into more serious issues. Whether you’re on a first date, just starting a new relationship, or have been seeing someone for quite a bit of time, it’s always good to know what red flags to look out for!
This post is ALL about relationship red flags.
WHAT ARE RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS?
Red flags are warning signs in a relationship that signal to us potentially harmful or toxic behaviors. These could be major issues – like manipulation, control, or disrespect – and if ignored, can lead to an unhealthy or even abusive power dynamic.
Compared to yellow flags, which are more like caution signs that need attention, red flags can easily be deal-breakers in a relationship. They are also the complete opposite of green flags, which are the positive behaviors that are indicators of a healthy, supportive, and respectful relationship!!
Knowing how to distinguish between all types of “flags” can make ALL the difference when choosing a romantic partner to be in a committed relationship with.
RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS
1. Love Bombing
Love bombing is defined by an excessive display of affection, attention, and admiration from one partner in a VERY short period. For example, maybe you’ve been dating someone for only a few weeks and they shower you with extravagant gestures such as expensive gifts, constant messages, and urgent confessions of love.
Although it might feel like the ultimate romantic relationship, it’s actually a HUGE red flag. Love bombing can be a tactic that manipulative individuals use to gain control.
What this might look like:
- Being intense from the start: Everything might feel SUPER overwhelming in the beginning – they might claim “love at first sight” or that you are “soulmates” almost immediately.
- Giving excessive gifts and gestures: They shower you with expensive gifts, frequent dates, and grandiose declarations of love.
- Needing constant communication: Your partner may demand constant communication that can’t be reasonably met. They might bombard you with text messages and always expect immediate responses.
- Wanting rapid commitment: They may push for serious commitment VERY quickly, trying to define the relationship way too early without letting the timeline flow more naturally.
- Insisting on spending all your time together: Love bombers might justify needing to be together all the time because you’re just “soo in love.”
Why It’s a Relationship Red Flag:
Love bombing can create emotional dependency FAST. It might feel like overwhelming affection, but it’s really about control. The excessive attention pulls you in and once you’re hooked, they start to pull back and manipulate you by using the initial affection as leverage. The extreme highs are quickly followed by cold, very confusing lows.
The super intense focus on trying to maintain the emotional connection you had early on can cloud your judgment. Spot this EARLY – make sure you have clear boundaries. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and aren’t sure, never be afraid to ask someone you trust like a close friend or a clinical psychologist!
2. Disrespect of Personal Space
If you find your partner consistently ignoring or violating your boundaries and personal space, that’s a big relationship red flag! This includes things such as unwanted touches or snooping through your personal items. This lack of respect for you can turn into abusive behavior.
What this might look like:
- Ignoring your boundaries: Whether it’s personal, emotional, or digital, someone who consistently ignores your expressed limits is showing clear DISRESPECT for your personal space!
- Invading your privacy: If your partner routinely snoops through your social media, phone, email, or personal items without any justification or consent, it’s a sign of unwarranted distrust.
- Overstepping your physical comfort: It’s not okay for a partner to continue to touch you or get physically close in ways that you’ve expressed discomfort about.
- Putting their personal needs over yours: They might use guilt or anger to coerce you into giving up your personal time or space for them.
Why It’s a Relationship Red Flag:
When a partner disrespects your of personal space, trust is quickly degraded. Only with mutual respect and boundaries can trust truly flourish in a relationship! Without them, you start losing your individuality, feel stuck in your relationship, and lose the ability to grow with your partner.
This can easily lead to tension, resentment, and constant conflict between you both. Feeling unsafe in a relationship because of your partner’s behavior is not okay!
3. Constant Criticism
While it’s a good sign in a close relationship that you aren’t afraid to tell your partner what’s bothering you, there’s a huge difference between constructive feedback and constant criticism. If your partner is ALWAYS finding you at fault or focusing negatively on your actions and personality, this is a major red flag! Constantly undermining you can be used as a form of manipulation, to tear down your self-worth and control your actions.
Post You Might Like: 5-Step Guide to Stop Negative Self-Talk
What this might look like:
- Spinning things/situations negatively: Your actions or choices may constantly be met with negative commentary. The positives are rarely acknowledged.
- Attacking your personality: The difference between constructive complaints and criticism is that they attack your CHARACTER and not just your actions.
- Embarrassing you publicly: They might criticize you in front of others as a way to shame and control you.
- Setting unrealistic expectations: You might feel like you can never do anything right or meet their standards because they’re set so high that it’s nearly impossible to meet them.
- Nitpicking the small things: While it might seem harmless at first, constantly critiquing little things when there’s no real issue can quickly chip away at your confidence and make you second-guess even the smallest choices.
Why It’s a Relationship Red Flag:
Constant criticism is emotional abuse! It tears down your confidence and makes you doubt your worth. A healthy relationship shouldn’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells ALL the time. The right person wouldn’t make you feel anxious and stressed all the time. Being criticized all the time can isolate you too because it makes it hard to reach out for help. Over time, it creates control. You start relying on the person criticizing you, feeling stuck in the relationship, even when it’s hurting you. It makes way for unequal power dynamics in a relationship.
4. Ex-bashing
It’s EXTREMELY suspicious when a potential partner labels all of their exes as “crazy” or “toxic” because it absolves them of any responsibility in past relationships! If someone is constantly badmouthing their exes, it shows that they haven’t reflected on their own behavior or learned from those experiences.
What this might look like:
- Using offensive language about their exes: Calling their exes derogatory terms like “crazy” or “insane” is a way to dismiss and degrade past partners.
- Telling one-sided stories: Their stories of past relationships and conflicts might always portray their ex-partner as irrational or overreactive.
- Never reflecting on their own past: If your partner can’t acknowledge where they might have failed or gone wrong in past relationships, that’s a huge sign they don’t take accountability for their actions!
Why It’s a Relationship Red Flag:
Labeling all their exes as “crazy” shows a HUGE lack of accountability and an unwillingness to take responsibility for past relationship problems. This is a sign that they just might do the exact same thing to you – dismissing your feelings and blaming YOU for being “crazy” when things get tough! Healthy people acknowledge that it takes two to tango in a relationship and ex-bashing shows deeper issues.
5. Financial Control
Financial control in relationships is when one partner takes charge of all the money decisions and leaves the other with little to no say. This isn’t just about taking over the management of their shared finances – it’s restricting access to money, demanding explanations for every little expense, and using finances as a way to hold POWER in the relationship.
What this might look like:
- Restricting your access to money: Your partner may control all bank accounts, credit cards, and spending, only allowing you money through an allowance. They might not even give you visibility into how the money is being managed.
- Monitoring your spending closely: They might always ask you for receipts or detailed explanations for everything you buy, however small.
- Being the only financial decision maker: Big decisions with your shared finances, like buying a car or choosing new investments, are made without even asking for your opinion or consent.
- Sabotaging your work opportunities: They might discourage you from working or creating situations that make it hard for you to keep a job!
- Using money as a punishment or reward: Holding back money when they’re upset or bribing you with it might be a way they try to control you!
Why It’s a Relationship Red Flag:
Financial control will TRAP you. It creates a strong dependency on your partner that’s hard to escape because it’s your means of living! Your relationship should provide you financial support and security, not make you feel stuck because you don’t have access to your own money. This will take away your ability to make your own decisions and cause a lot of anxiety.
6. Isolation from Family and Friends
If you find yourself getting pulled further and further away from your family members and close friends because of a relationship, this is a BIG relationship red flag. By doing so, your partner is weakening your external support systems to increase your dependence on them! Healthy relationships allow for individuals to have their own social lives.
What this might look like:
- Limiting social interactions: They might actively discourage you from or guilt you about seeing friends or family, making it super hard to keep those relationships.
- Belittling your support network: Making negative comments about your friends and family might be a way your partner tries to undermine your trust in them.
- Encouraging dependency: Your partner might push you to rely ONLY on them for emotional support and companionship, telling you that you don’t need anyone else.
Why It’s a Relationship Red Flag:
Isolation will tear you down slowly by cutting you off from your support system. Not depending on your partner for everything, 24/7 is a GOOD and necessary thing because you need people to turn to outside of your relationship! It’s manipulative behavior for a partner to try be the only person in your life. The more isolated you are, the easier it becomes for them to control every part of your life.
7. Physical Intimidation and Threats
Any kind of physical violence or even threats is a SIGNIFICANT RED FLAG. Period. This kind of behavior often leads to more serious abusive relationships that could mean domestic violence and physical abuse. If you notice these signs early and feel unsafe in any way, do NOT brush it off. Physical intimidation doesn’t always mean actual harm to you – it could even just be a threatening look, a clenched fist, or throwing objects around you. Evoking fear is how an abuser will try to control you.
What this might look like:
- Behaving aggressively : This includes using body language or actions that make you feel threatened, like clenching fists, blocking doorways, or even throwing objects around.
- Verbally threatening you: If they make direct statements about causing you physical harm – leave. Even if they don’t follow through, verbal threats are not okay.
- Subtly threatening you: These are less obvious, like making jokes about violent actions or casually showing off their strength/weapons to intimidate you.
- Quickly escalating arguments: Arguments that escalate into shouting, breaking things, or doing anything that makes you feel physically unsafe are warning signs!
Why It’s a Relationship Red Flag:
Physical intimidation and threats are serious red flags. Using fear to control or manipulate you is abusive, no question. The threat doesn’t have to be acted on to cause harm. They play on your fear to “keep you in check.” It’s about control, not love!! Feeling safe in your own relationship is a NONNEGOTIABLE.
8. Substance Abuse
Substance abuse in a relationship is a huge red flag. When a partner is using drugs or alcohol to the point where it messes with their daily life, responsibilities, mental health, and relationships – it’s a problem. It will create instability in your relationship and affect your life as their partner. Supporting someone to get help is important, but remember – you’re not a bad person for deciding you can’t stay in that relationship. You can care about them and prioritize your own well-being.
What this might look like:
- Being frequently intoxicated: Your partner often appears under the influence, even during important events or everyday situations.
- Neglecting basic responsibilities: They neglect work, relationships, or personal obligations due to their substance use.
- Having lots of mood swings or aggression: Substance use may lead to sudden changes in behavior, including irritability or aggression.
- Being defensive or in denial: When confronted about their substance use, they dismiss your concerns or become defensive rather than addressing the issue.
Why It’s a Relationship Red Flag:
Substance abuse can wreak havoc on a relationship. It creates instability and emotional roller coasters, often leaving you picking up the pieces. The focus shifts from a healthy partnership to managing the chaos and consequences of their addiction. You can easily get pulled into a cycle of enabling or feeling responsible for their behavior, draining your emotional and mental energy.
If you or your partner is struggling with substance abuse, there are resources out there that can help you. You aren’t alone. Consider reaching out to organizations like SAMHSA’s National Helpline (1-800-662-HELP) for free, confidential support, or look into Al-Anon if you’re impacted by a loved one’s drinking. Professional counseling, local addiction recovery centers, or even support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) can provide guidance. Prioritizing your well-being is key, and help is always available.
9. Excessive Jealousy
Some level of jealousy is normal in a relationship! But when it goes overboard – that’s a problem. Constantly questioning where you are and who you’re with or accusing you of things without a justification? That’s NOT just being jealous or protective of your safety. That’s about control! Yes – some of us might have bigger trust issues than others and that’s okay! But the key is how someone handles them – are they working through them or letting their insecurities stifle your relationship?
What this might look like:
- Constant Monitoring: Keeping tabs on your whereabouts, who you are with, and what you are doing is all about control and trying to ease their own insecurities.
- Accusing you of cheating: They might accuse you of being unfaithful without any reason or justification.
- Making you feel guilty: You may feel like you must constantly prove your loyalty and defend your actions. It’s a sign that no matter what you do, they’re not going to trust you.
Why It’s a Relationship Red Flag:
Excessive jealousy goes beyond protectiveness—it’s about control. Constant accusations, monitoring your every move, or isolating you from others shows deep insecurity and possessiveness. You’ll be left feeling like you’re constantly on trial, always having to prove your loyalty. It’s exhausting and toxic.
10. Inconsistent Commitment
In the wise words of Katy Perry: “You’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no – you’re in then you’re out, you’re up then you’re down.” Inconsistent commitment to you is a warning sign! When you’re the ONLY one who consistently are making plans or putting in the effort, it shows that they’re not really serious about you. Entertaining someone like this in your life will just leave you confused, insecure, and feeling like the relationship’s never on solid ground.
What this might look like:
- Behaving unpredictably: One day they’re all in – making a BUNCH of plans for you two in the future. The next, they barely respond to your text or act indifferent.
- Avoiding serious conversations: They steer clear of any talks about defining the relationship or committing to you. It’s all about keeping things vague and leading you on.
- Frequently flaking or changing plans: There’s always a reason they can’t spend time with you or they’re backing out of plans last minute.
- Keeping you on an emotional rollercoaster: The relationship feels like a constant back-and-forth. Super hot and cold!!
Why It’s a Relationship Red Flag:
When someone is constantly flaking or showing you that they don’t value your time, your relationship with them will feel super insecure! You’ll end up second-guessing on where they stand and it’s EXHAUSTING. The right person will always make you feel like there’s enough time in their life! Don’t settle for someone who makes spending time together seem like a chore.